I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
