I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
