god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
