70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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