You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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