Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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