Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize