Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
