When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
