i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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