i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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