and you said cock pushups were impossible
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
