just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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