nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize