wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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