If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
