Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
