Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
