I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
