apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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