There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
