just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
