You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
