nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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