I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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