Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
