she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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