you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
