I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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