is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
