My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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