I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
