Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Did I show you my penis last night?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
