The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
