i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize