I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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