I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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