Can i not drive my cunt home
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
