Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
send nudes
from the living room?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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