im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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