Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
