After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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