He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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