Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize