I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
