There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
