I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
it's great music for shaving your balls
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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