A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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