I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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