tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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