Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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