whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
