youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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