Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
