Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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