someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
never play flip cup with pint glasses
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize