Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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