I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
