you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
