The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
