it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
