everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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